A Relationship Without Secrets? 

EXCERPT of an Essay published by Yan Tu Duo - TRANSLATED from the Chinese published on 11.10.2021

There has been a lot of discussion on social media whether couples should check each other's phones. My view is it’s impossible to look at your partner's phone. At least not for the rest of your life. First, it’s a waste of time and energy. And second, if I do check, I’ll be on an emotional rollercoaster, which I cannot bear.

Yet many people will feel the ultimate purpose and meaning of intimate relationships is to be absolutely honest with each other, living in a lie free world. The sci-fi film "GUIDANCE," by Neysan Sobhani actually explores such a question in a world where a radical lie detection system, ”Guidance" has been invented. A pair of lovers lead the installation experience, and through progressive permission levels and upgrades, they find it difficult to hide secrets from each other. All their lies, hesitations, and small secrets are placed on the table.

But instead of making their relationship warmer or closer, it becomes dangerous. Even if they gave each other the highest access to their bio-information, they must unconditionally forgive each other. Although this is a very loving couple, they also have their own unspeakable secrets. The complexity and unpredictability of life often make it difficult to fulfill their commitments. The weakness of human nature also makes people occasionally make mistakes.  

Forgiveness is not always easy. Ultimately, it is never lies or secrets that destroy a relationship, but our own fears.When your partner is out of sight, out of your control and orbit, you could naturally fear the unknown. This fear drags people into a vicious cycle of doubt and even with the most advanced lie detector, mutual trust becomes a cold machine forced by passive device. 

The opening of the film uses a sentence from Lao Zi:  “Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power." This bids us to think not always on the other person, but on ourselves: How do you eliminate your own insecurity, how to look into your own heart, and how to become a better person? All conflicts are essentially a power struggle in a relationship. But the secret to close relationships is not who is in control, or who knows the other person's secrets. But love. Love is love, love is not absolute frankness, nor absolute confession.

Trying to control all, aspiring to be 100% honest, trying to gain power in a relationship leads to a sort of selfishness. But knowing how to love overcomes selfishness. Let love occupy a relationship, not power.